The Clutterbuck Chronicles, Vol. 4: Matt Martin, TV star?

Mar 29, 2013; Dallas, TX, USA; Minnesota Wild defenseman

(20) and right wing

(22) waits for the face-off in the Dallas Stars zone during the game at the American Airlines Center. The Stars defeated the Wild 5-3. Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Cal Clutterbuck is an enigma: an on-ice fighter and an off-ice introvert. Upon joining the New York Islanders, he requested that the transcripts of his personal journal entries be made public, so fans can appreciate the physical and mental grind of the NHL season. EyesOnIsles.com has obtained exclusive rights to publish these transcripts, and will continue to do so on a weekly basis throughout the 2013-14 season. These are his own words. These are his inner musings. These are The Clutterbuck Chronicles.

(And if things aren’t clear about what’s going on in this space, the definition of the word ‘parody’ can be found here. Now, off we go…)

In case you missed it…

Vol. 1 | Vol. 2 | Vol. 3

Wednesday, August 21

Had signups for my first annual “Learn To Fight Like a Hockey Player By Taking On Cal Clutterbuck” clinic today. Or as I like to call it: “LTFLAHPBTOCC.” It really rolls off the tongue when you shorten it.

Garth Snow was on his way into the office when he saw me sitting at the table in front of the Coliseum Team Store, waiting for the crowds to arrive. He took one look at the banner hanging on the window behind me and slowly shook his head.

GS: “Cal. Remember all those conversations we’ve had? The ones about focusing on hockey?”

Me: “Um, yeah.”

GS : “So what’s all this stuff?”

Me: “I figured since you didn’t like my ‘Punching Booth’ idea from last week, this would be a better way of engaging the community. I won’t just be punching people for money; I’ll be punching them so they learn how to fight. Pretty good, huh?”

GS: “…I think it’s pretty much the same idea, Cal.”

Me: “Think about it though: maybe some guy in a Pittsburgh Penguins jersey signs up, right? We could have some cameras strategically placed around the rink so when I start to work him over—you know: drop the gloves, start wailing on him—we could film it and turn it into a motivational video we could show on the jumbotron before home games. Maybe make it look like actual game footage? Oh man, and if that guy that I’m beating the crap out of is wearing a Crosby jersey? Could you imagine? People would go absolutely nuts—”

GS: “I’m gonna stop you right there, Cal. Why don’t you shelve that idea? I like the energy, but maybe beating up fans isn’t the way to go. Even if they happen to be wearing Penguins gear.”

Me: “Come on, Garth. I think this could be a big money maker for us. Plus, you know, I get to punch people, so…you know. Hey, where are you going?”

GS : “Am I not being clear enough with him? Maybe I’ll…start telling him…ummm…we didn’t insure his hands. Yeah, we didn’t insure his hands so he can’t go around punching people until the insurance paperwork clears. Yeah, that’s good…”

Me : “What’s that, Garth?”

GS : “Nothing, Cal. Nothing. Please don’t punch anyone today.”

Me: “No promises!”

I’m joking, of course. But if I get into a situation where I need to punch someone later, I’m covered. Legally.

I think that’s how it works. I’m not a lawyer.

Saturday, August 24

: shoeless bro jackson, u decide wut u wanna do about the fight thing? i say we flip a coin for it or maybe have cappy think of a number btwn 1-10 n we each guess n who evers closer gets 2 fight. kool?

: yo brobi wan kenobi, u think thats a good idea? hit me up n if u have a better 1 thats ok. we can decide at training camp.

: which one do u like better: christopher brolumbus or napoleon bronaparte? trying to think up our nicknames 4 when we reenact historical scenes at the community theater next week

: or edgar allan bro

: PS brahsasaurus rex, u nd me are reenacting historical scenes at the community theater next week

Sunday, August 25

Matty Marts was in all his celebrity glory tonight, hosting the MTV VMAs pre-show outside of Barclays Center in Brooklyn. And I’ll admit it: the dude cleans up pretty nicely.

You’d never know it to see him around the Coli though. I don’t think he actually owns a shirt with sleeves.

Back to the VMAs though: maybe Matty Marts got to wear a suit and be all “corporate” or whatever, but Brooklyn is about the common man: the guy who blogs about generating sustainable energy from burlap bags and rides his bike to work like this.

Hosting the VMAs is so mainstream, man. MTV is so over.

So I did Matty Marts one better: I got more in-touch with my soon-to-be Brooklyn roots and hosted a hipster cat fashion show in Williamsburg.

Matty Marts can host all the primetime TV events he wants, but he’ll never understand what it’s like to wear birkenstocks and glasses without lenses while holding a cardboard microphone in the basement of the local co-op while 84 different cats and cat owners prance up and down a runway.

Those are my kind of people. (And my kind of cats.)

Tuesday, August 27

Finally decided what I’m gonna do before training camp starts.

No, not work out. And not practice my stickhandling either. Let’s be serious, I’m in great shape and the only guy on the team with better stickhandling skills than me is John Tavares.

I’m not doing any of that. What I am doing is making a shot-for-shot remake of this video with the help of Matty Marts, Casey Cizikas and Colin McDonald.

Why? Because (a) it’ll give me a reason to add all of those outfits to my Brooklyn wardrobe; and (b) the NHL offseason will make you do crazy things, man.

Wednesday, August 28

Thought about posting this week’s journal entries online today. Then I decided not to. You wanna fight about it?

(Because I hear there’s a clinic at the Coliseum for that.)

Like the feature? Hate the feature? Sound off in the comments below. Oh, and be sure to follow me on the Twitter machine so we can talk about hockey or Mumford and Sons hipster culture or whatever: @MichaelWillhoft